The Holiday Lesson We Didn't Expect: Empathy Isn't Automatic

The holiday season is supposed to be about giving.

It's about warmth. It's about thinking beyond ourselves. Of course, this is something that shouldn't just be felt during the holiday season but all year.

And yet, today I'm reminded that empathy doesn't always come naturally- even during this time of year.

Katie, my fourteen-year-old daughter is a middle school student. She is Co-President of the Junior National Honor Society and this year helped organize a beautiful, collaborative idea with her peers: a small school "store" packed with donated items. The purpose was simple and thoughtful-students who may not have the means to financially buy gifts for their families could use their Commander Cash (money earned at school for good work and positive behavior) to purchase items for their siblings or loved ones.

It was kindness made tangible. It was dignity built into the system. No handouts- just opportunity.

Then, something happened that really seemed to bother Katie.

She watched as two students-children who clearly did not fit the intended demographic-"bought" items from the shop to play with during class. Not because they needed them. Not because they were buying gifts. Just because they could.

These toys were meant for younger siblings. For families stretching dollars. For moments of joy that might not otherwise exist.

And today, after school, we had a conversation that I wish wasn't necessary but absolutely was.

We talked about entitlement.

We talked about selfishness.

We talked about empathy-and the absence of it.

I want to pause here and say something that I have said before that is important: we are not a religious family at all. We do not teach our children empathy through faith, scripture, or religious obligation. Kindness in our home isn't tied to belief. It's tied to humanity. To awareness. To understanding that we share space in this world with people whose lives look very different from our own.

Before anyone sharpens their pitchforks, let me be clear: my kids are not perfect. They mess up. They make impulsive choices. They are human. But I can say with confidence that they are bring raised to notice others.

I've watched, without hesitation, my child spend his own money to help a friend buy a pair of glasses.

I've watched them pack extra in their lunches or an entire separate meal because "someone might be hungry."

I've watched them bake muffins to cheer up an elderly neighbor.

The list goes on.

None of these things were because they were told to.

Because it simply occurred to them.

So, I find myself asking a bigger question-one I suspect many parents and educators are quietly wondering too:

Why do so many children seem to lack basic empathy?

Some of it, I think, comes from a world that increasingly centers the self: instant gratification. Algorithms that reward attention seeking. A culture that says if you can, you should, rather than if you can, consider whether you should.

Empathy requires pause. Perspective. The ability to imagine someone else's reality-especially when it doesn't resemble your own. And those skills must be taught, modeled, and reinforced. They don't magically appear with age or achievement.

So how do we fix it?

We talk about it- even when it is uncomfortable.

We name behavior for what it is without shaming.

We celebrate kindness just as loudly as accomplishment.

We show kids that empathy doesn't belong to religion, politics, or tradition-it belongs to people. We let them see generosity in action. We allow them to feel the quiet pride that comes from choosing others over themselves. And when they miss the mark-as kids will-we guide them with honesty and expectation.

The holidays magnify everything: joy, stress, generosity, and unfortunately gaps in empathy. But they also offer opportunity.

Opportunity to learn that the world doesn't revolve around them.

Opportunity to learn that kindness isn't seasonal-it's foundational.

Opportunity to raise humans who notice.

Because empathy isn't automatic.

But it is teachable.

And I still believe-especially this time of year- that it's worth the effort.

We want to thank all of the individuals who took the time to donate to the Katie's NJHS store. I think between everyone we single handedly stocked the vast majority of it. Your kindness, thoughtfulness, and generosity are a prime example of the lessons we are trying to teach. Again, thank you all.