Crickets are chirping on my page.
Usually, it's a soothing sound. However, on my end, this means that something is getting neglected, forgotten, or just ignored. Not intentionally but because something has to give. Somewhere, something had to give. Yet again, we were thrust into the vicious cycle of the fall season. This year though, was particularly brutal.
I'm having such a hard time with this season of life. It is so hard to find a proper balance between motherhood, career, and self. The thing I let go of first is myself. I know I'm not alone with that. I threw my focus into making the lives of everyone around me easier at the cost of my own happiness. I will always have a homemade meal ready. I will always have a tidy house and clean sheets. It's that push-pull of wanting to care for everyone but resenting it at the same time. I know soon enough they will be all grown up and I'll wish for these days. However, when you're just barely surviving them, how are you supposed to savor them? Some days it feels like getting up is too much. Yet every day I do it. Everything is done. One quote that resonates most with me is "women are expected to work like they don't have children and raise children as if they don't work." Why are we still living in a society that intentionally or not makes us feel inadequate if we cannot do it all? It's the quiet insanity. Every day it creeps on more and more until it starts taking away all of the things that used to bring us joy.
This fall has just been a lot. I no sooner complete one task before I was presented with another. I am thankful for the friends and family who would step up and help where they could. I was able to successfully decorate three lockers (a tradition I loathe but that's a topic for another blog), construct a float for a Homecoming parade, attend all of the school events, Trick-or-Treat, work a full- time job, take pictures in the evenings, attend competitions on weekends, volleyball games, football games, practices... I'm sure I'm missing things but it was literally a whirlwind. We had our fair share of mishaps, drama, and unnecessary stress. I had to say no more often that I like because I could not take on one more thing, and unfortunately, I worried, a lot because I did say no. Life lessons were learned, elections did not go as hoped, and relationships tested.
I'm still working on pulling myself out of this mental funk. I believe now that I am officially caught up on editing (I spent 20 hours last week finishing the entire month of October images), sports season has ended for the most part, I'm mostly settled into a routine at work, and my plate is a little less full, I can finally turn my attention elsewhere. Maybe I'll be able to start running again. Perhaps I'll find a new hobby. But for now, I just need to breathe. I need to just exist as a person and not a service. I need to not be used as a hair stylist, bank, chef, maid, teacher, photographer, and counselor all at the same time. I need to stop going through the motions and live again. I need to be in the company of those who care about me the most. I just need to rediscover joy again.
- Thank you to those who checked in on me, those who stopped and asked if I was ok (I know I looked pretty rough sometimes), those who let me vent, who gave me hugs, or just told me that they appreciated me. It was nice to feel noticed. Believe me, your actions spoke volumes. Here's to a gentler season. In the meantime, enjoy some of the chaos via images.
