Fat, plus- size, big boned, full figured.
Call it what you want but weight has been my biggest struggle my entire life. I had gone on diet after diet since elementary school. I got to the point where I would make the first joke about myself just so that no one else would. I hated myself. I hid behind anything I could. What little self- esteem I had usually buried by intense depression and anxiety. My entire identity was being fat. I knew I needed to lose weight not only for my health but for my children. On a trip to Walt Disney World in January of 2018, I saw runDisney runners with their amazing spreads of medals. I knew that had to be me too. I also knew that I could never run the distances I needed at over 300 pounds. I got to the point where enough was enough. I decided to be proactive, and that year elected to have bariatric surgery. That was the start of my running era.
By September of 2018, I was down about 80 pounds and ran my first 10k (6.2 miles) in Pittsburgh. It was rough. I wasn't properly conditioned, but I finished. I'm pretty sure I could not move comfortably for about three days afterwards. Lesson learned: train harder. Fast forward to January 2019. With a little more training I was able to run my first Disney 10k with little to no problems. But, as usual, I am a go big or go home person so by the next year I knew it was time for my first half marathon.
January 2020. We were on a family trip to Disney and decided that it would be fun if the older kids joined us for the 5K. No big deal, it was a fun run, nothing timed (although I did fall pretty hard after I tripped on a reflector in the road). But I had that half marathon, 13.1 miles, looming over my head. I knew it was timed, and I needed to maintain a certain pace. I was absolutely terrified and rightfully so. If you know runDisney you know that there are the dreaded "balloon ladies" who maintain the minimum 16 minute per mile pace. If you do not maintain that pace, you put on a bus and taken out of the race. If you are a challenger, you do not get your challenge medals. The day of the half it was brutally hot. Humidity smacked us across the face as soon as we left our room (and bear in mind this was at 2:00 am). The first five miles were great. But, after that, I was debating every life choice. About halfway through the course I had slowed down substantially and that's when I saw the dreaded balloon ladies with their pink Mickey balloons. Instant panic. Even though they were quite a distance away, it was a mental struggle that set me back and I doubted my ability to finish. With Matthew's help, I struggled through the course, but it wasn't the experience that I had hoped for. But, me being me, I decided that I would do this again during Princess Weekend the following month. Oh, and I didn't just sign up for a half. I decided to do the 5K, 10K, and half marathon- the Fairytale Challenge. Again, go big or go home. There is no in between. Plus, I could check one more goal off of my bucket list.
Princess Weekend 2020 was perfect. Perfect weather and an overall amazing experience. I ran through Cinderella's Castle like a boss. I really felt like I had found my joy. It was absolutely magical as cliche as that sounds. Compared to my experience the previous month on the same course it was night and day. To date these are my favorite medals and one of my best memories. Even my mom got in on the action running her first 5K. Little did we know that about two weeks later, the entire world would shut down.
By 2021, runDisney was offering only virtual races. To be frank, they were a waste of money. But, I did them anyway because I did not want to break my streak and because running was keeping me in check with my weight. Running at home is just not as fun. I did have a slight setback. By fall of 2021 I needed a revision to my bariatric surgery due to severe reflux. Recovery was easy for the most part. I did struggle to stay hydrated, and I had quite a bit of nausea. I had big running plans for 2022 though. I was going to run my first Dopey Challenge. This is the pinnacle of running challenges. The Dopey is four consecutive days of races starting at 5:00 am beginning with a 5K, then a 10K, a half marathon, and a full marathon to complete. A total of 48.6 glorius, magical miles. Was I ready for this? Absolutely not. Was I going to do it anyway? Absolutely.
The 5K, 10K, and half were fine. Nothing I wasn't used to at this point. But marathon day came. I was about 100 pounds lighter than my heaviest weight, but that revision had me struggling with proper protein and water intake. Again, that gut punching fear hit me hard. What if I failed? What if I saw those balloon ladies? We started the race with no issues. I ran the first seven miles at a great pace confident in my ability. I was exhausted from my previous three races, but I was determined to finish mostly for my pride but also because I needed that medal collection. By mile seventeen though, something switched. I hit my wall. I had never had this happen to this degree before. I was in so much pain. Every time I lifted my legs it felt like concrete bricks were attached to my feet. By mile twenty the ballon ladies were right behind me. This was my breaking point. I just sobbed. I painstakingly struggled through the last six miles and managed to cross the finish line feeling absolutely miserable. Standing there with my first Dopey Challenge medal, I knew I had done what less than 1% of the world population had done. After a crippling walk back to our hotel, a drink of pickle juice, and a chance to fully relish my accomplishment, I knew this was not my last Dopey.
The following month post Dopey I completed another Fairytale Challenge with my best friends. These races aren't just for my physical health, they are for my mental health too. We run, we eat, we live our best child-free lives before we are tossed back into the insanity of our daily lives. Plus, we get to wear costumes while doing it. By summer 2022, my husband had sudden, unexpected open- heart surgery so we were both out of commission for a while during his recovery. Within a month after surgery, Matthew was up and training for our next races. By November of 2023, just over three months post open heart surgery, we ran our first Wine and Dine half marathon race. His recovery was remarkably fast. He credits this to all of the running we had done prior to finding out about his valve issues.
Sadly, Dopey 2023 was not in the cards for us. I'm not sure he could have done a full marathon that soon after surgery. The race sold out before we could register which I do believe was a sign. I did complete my fourth Fairytale challenge in 2023. This time, I crushed the half with my best time ever. It is one of my top running memories to date. I was down over 120 pounds so running was getting much easier for me. We ran the Springtime Surprise 10 miler in April and then spent worked most of summer 2023 and fall training for Dopey 2024 with a little break in November to do the Bay Bridge Run.
January of 2024, I went into Dopey with much more confidence than I had two years before. I was trained, prepared, and I knew I had completed it once before. The temperatures were in our favor. The half marathon day was cut short due to impending storms, but we got our full 13.1 miles in later in the day. Marathon day rolled around. I did not have that fear I had before. I was a little scared of hitting the wall at mile seventeen again. Running is not just physical, it's mental. I pushed past my mental block and this time; I did not start to feel any pain until about mile twenty- three. At that point I knew I could push through the last three miles. We crossed that finish line 45 minutes faster than we did two years prior without so much as a glimpse of the balloon ladies this time. Recovery was a breeze. This time, I knew it would be my last Dopey because no other challenge could top how I felt after this one. Also, I could officially call myself a marathoner since I had completed more than one full marathon. I ran Princess again the following month and a smaller race, The Shawshank Hustle, in late summer.
I'm not a fast runner. I'm not competitive nor am I ever going to be. I run because there was a time in my life that I couldn't. I run because my success is dependent upon me. It is my way of pushing through the trauma of all of those years of feeling inadequate and incapable. This is my way of dealing with being judged based on my personal appearance. There is or was nothing wrong with being overweight. I'm still overweight as a matter of fact but now, I am healthier and stronger. Those medals are each a visual reminder of what is possible. To me, each one has a story and a memory. I have given myself experiences that I never thought would have been possible. I have met some amazing individuals, each with their own stories, and I feel a part of a community that inclusive to everyone. As I head into 2025, I will admit I have slacked on my training (justifiable if you understand what the last six months have been like) but I know I am still capable. In just two weeks I will have another half marathon under my belt. I know that I have many more memories to make and many more experiences to be had. I'm going to savor my running era and all the ups and downs that come with it.
