"Oh, don't get me. I look terrible."
I would then dodge and bolt from the front of the camera as quickly as I possibly could. I was conditioned at a young age to believe that I was not worthy of being in front of a camera. Not pretty enough or thin enough. Sometimes this was intentional, sometimes not. I was bullied relentlessly as a young child. I was put on diet after diet. I remember in early elementary school we would go for our annual "weigh ins" and instead of this being done privately, we would have our weights announced to our entire class giving more fuel for the bullies to run with. Adults would make remarks about my appearance. "If only her body would match her face." Or, "They (meaning fat girls) always have the prettiest faces." The influence of others strongly impacted how I felt about myself and how I saw myself.
This feeling never really left. When I started having children, I took on the role of photographer. I guess it was my way of making sure that I had control over what could be seen. I could hide behind the camera. In my mind, I would not have to worry about ruining their childhood images by having me in them. I was actually afraid that my appearance in pictures would tarnish the memory. You might be thinking I'm stupid. To me, this made sense. Now, there are very few pictures of me with my own children when they were little. I have very few images documenting my life, my teenage years, my life as a new mom, my twenties and some of my thirties. Do I regret this? Absolutely.
I missed out on precious time that I will never get back all because I was so scared of what someone else might think of me. My perception of myself was so skewed, it has caused me to miss opportunities that are now gone. My children and family weren't going to look back at pictures of me and think, "Wow, she should have waited until she was thinner to get in that picture. " They weren't going to laugh at my chubby arms or my face without make up. They would see me, at that moment in time playing, reading books, working on what I love, and just enjoying life.
The point of this post isn't to make you feel sorry for my mental and emotional trauma. My point is don't be like me. More importantly do not worry about what others think. Why do we waste so much of our lives worrying about what others think? Social media has set us up with an unrealistic ideal of beauty and an even more unrealistic ideal of motherhood should be. I can guarantee, the majority of us "normal" people aren't fitting that mold.
Don't wait until you lose that extra thirty pounds to get in the picture. Your hair might be a mess, your skin might be less than stellar, and your house might even be messy too. However, I can assure you, to those who love you- none of those things matter. Your children want to see you. Your partner wants to see you. They want you in those memories. They want to look back on your accomplishments and see you loving those moments. Those days when you're sleep deprived, making crafts out of popsicle sticks, visiting Santa, and going to story time at the library are so fleeting. They won't care that you're wearing the same shirt you wore the day before or that you haven't washed your hair in two days. Just get in the picture- professional shots, candid cell phone images, selfies- it doesn't matter. One day you'll look back and be thankful that you did.
